A.K.A. Yearly Ninja Re-certification 

People in line in front of us who it turns out had bought counterfeit tickets: 2

Seconds I spent considering coat check then realizing the line I’d face to get it back: 20

People who took condoms from LifeBeat and then made balloons: 5

Woman who delivered the most amazing kick to the side groin to a unfathomably drunk man who had somehow harassed her: 1

Minutes Emmy and I spent analyzing the magic of her kicking skill: 2:30

Minutes said drunk went on to taunt her boyfriend who resisted fighting because Die Antwoord hadn’t played yet: 2

24oz Bud Light and two 12oz bottles of water: $20

Man removed from the crowd who had stripped down to some sort of loincloth and body paint: 1

Man in loincloth and body paint  who evaded security and ran back into the crowd: 1 

Dude who smelled like he’d been marinated in piss that stationed himself next to me mid show that looked like Empire Records era Ethan Embry so I couldn’t totally hate him: 1 

Times I declared DJ Hi-Tek could get it: 3-4

Times declaring he could get it was followed by recalling he’s gay: 3-4

Bottles of champagne Cole was sprayed by when she went on stage to dry hump Ninja: 1 

Times I’ve searched the photo wires for evidence of said humping and ended up empty handed: 2