Apologies for outing your middle name, but I recall from being a kid that people were called by their entire name when they got themselves in trouble. From the looks of shit and think I can freely say you’ve gone and done it now. You’ve said Nigger (thunderclap) in a sentence and it wasn’t in reference to Nigger (thunderclap) Run Fork, Virginia.

Now just to give you bit of Clarity (not being punny, but you name your songs after single words and moments like this will arise) I myself am Black and Female. I was alerted to your comments by an intricate network of black elders who are typically in charge of the monthly (Fine, bi-monthly sometimes we are behind schedule) “Secret Black People Meetings”.

Naw, just playing…excerpts from the interview were in my reader when I woke up via Mediaite. I read it then I read it again and I realized one thing…you need to only do interviews that are videotaped. Transcribed conversations just seem to fall apart for you. The idea that you held a conversation with the person interviewing you is lost. The word Nigger(thunderclap) needs to be accompanied by a visual/audio representation of the person saying it for the feeling/sentiment with which it’s being said to be understood.

I read the entire interview and you were headed down a patch of bad road using the “hood pass” analogy at all. If that was the case based on my life I should go around talking about my “Caucasian Clearance”. My Best Friend is a fine Aryan Queen and I’ve been accused of being “Well Spoken” on multiple occasions. With that said, on to the next.

“David Duke cock”, John? For reals? You know the dude interviewing you was doing his job and you two aren’t friends right? That’s some 2am we just polished off two to three bottles of red shit and We go way back and have secrets shit right there. You may not have noticed, but he probably had an erection the rest of the interview because he knew you were about to get fucked.

Now the big question you must have at this point is “She said she was black wonder if she’s mad my dick is racist?”. The answer to that is Nope. Not at all.

To tell the truth based on it’s track record if you have a “David Duke Cock” I must be the owner of a “Grand Magi Vagina”.  The difference is I don’t advertise that fact (I know I just disclosed it in this letter, but it was integral to the story, keep up). In the grand scheme of things the drama will blow over since Internet Minds soon forget. Woe betide to the next black female you walk down the street with because the press will be all up in her business. As for music sales it won’t really do a damn thing because I’m sure a healthy chunk of your audience is comprised of girls who are white and want to bang you. You just gave them the drive to push on.

Now as for the apology I understood why you had to issue one (your publicist probably had a shiver run up his or her spine imagining Reverend Al asking where his Oil Sheen was because he was going to be on camera tomorrow) but it’s the only part of all this that kind of pissed me off. You said you didn’t mean it with malice and that should have been enough. True the word has power and stirs up a reaction, but people can attempt to be sensible. You didn’t take to the stage drunk and do a parody cover “Your Nigger (thunderclap) is a Wonderland”. You told a story. You had a context. I almost feel like if it was spelled -ga instead of -er I wouldn’t have had to write this long ass letter.

In closing if you are planning on getting any more tattoo’s you’ll consider one that reads “Not everyone is your damn friend, behave”. I’m not even a portion of a fraction as famous as you and I know that by heart.

Purple Rain,

Patrice.

P.S.  I knew Jessica had to be a retardedly (thunderclap) good lay. I figured ya’ll weren’t lazing around discussing Goethe and shit. Not calling her dumb she just looks like banging is one of her superpowers. Something in the Nobody’s Homeness of her eyes.

P.P.S. The “If you charged me 10k to Fuck you, I’d sell all my shit” part was sweet. It might just be me that thinks that though, I’m not big on flowers.